Friday, November 23, 2007
ONCE MORE INTO THE BREECH YEAR 2
This is another great blogpost on myspace from Syxx, the most awesome guitar player from the Saints of Pain. It's hilarious and very true:
So anyone who knows me has seen this posted as a blog on my site but as the holidays seem to be a yearly dose of dejavu I figured I would send it out again. Have a happy and safe holiday season.
Once more into the breech dear friends,
So here we are at the beginning of the holiday season and already the malls are choked with Christmas decorations.(I can remember when you didn't even SEE Christmas decorations until after thanksgiving). Now they don't even wait till the pumpkins from Halloween are cold before stuffing (like the turkeys we are going to eat) Christmas down our throats.
Now don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, (mostly for the food) and this year I took my mom's advise and got all my shopping done early.Now I can go to the mall and just watch the mayhem.
First comes the feast.
After slaving for days to prepare the PERFECT Thanksgiving meal, you find yourself trapped with relatives that you haven't seen sense last Thanksgiving.As they arrive (2 hours late) they shove THEIR "famous" pot luck food(usually some form of stuffing or the dreaded CANDIED YAMMS) into your hands and expect you to find room on the already over filled dinner table for their stuff.
You think you will make the dinner pass a little easier and serve some drinks. This is your first mistake.After a few drinks you all descend on the feast. In spite of your best efforts your Aunt Gertrude complains that the white meat is to dry and she should have cooked the turkey herself.About half way through the meal Aunt Gertrude is pretty drunk and is now describing (in GRAPHIC detail) her Gall Bladder operation and berating all of the family members(dead or alive) while expounding on the greatness of her son Todd.(later in life you find out that Todd was arrested for cheating on his wife with an underage MALE prostitute)
towards the end of the evening (and 3 more operation stories) you remember why you promised yourself last year that THIS year you we're just going to order a pizza,lock yourself in your room,wrap yourself in wet newspaper and hide till all the hoopla was over.
After all the relatives have departed (except for Uncle Bill,Gertudes' husband who is passed out drunk in the den) you start the clean up (of course none of your relatives hang out to help) you think the worst is behind you. But you are dead wrong because the next day....BLACK FRIDAY!!!!
Most of us think that this year will be different, and we will shop in a nice friendly fashion. But before you know it your gouging out some old ladies eye with your car keys just to get the last,limited edition,factory repainted,limited to 100 firing days, precious moments bisque figurine (which they will reissue in about 3 months, in 10 new colors and 80 cheaper to meet the OVERWHELMING DEMAND).
I love going to the mall and watching those poor fools trying to do their shopping at the last minute. Most of them end up giving a slightly more expensive version of the same shit they got last year, and my favorite person in the mall...DADS!
We've all seen this poor bastard,standing in the middle of the mall,holding 50 bags of shit (and his wifes purse),three kids all screaming at him that their hungry or need to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile his wife has regressed to a sub-human,frothing at the mouth, mad woman,buying every trendy(and completely overpriced) piece of holiday shit she can find and in the process, running his credit cards up to the point of night sweats.
Next comes the tree.
Now we all have been to the "tree farm"(usually a local nursery charging more for a dead tree then most of us pay for the entire afore mentioned thanksgiving feast ) and we all think we have a pretty good idea what a good Christmas tree looks like. But we are WRONG. For some reason we have let "professional" designers dictate what is "in" this year. And unfortunately it's DAD (with his credit cards already smoking from the day before) who is left to picking the tree.Now when I was a kid my dad would take my brother and I to an actual tree farm.We would walk for hours to find the "perfect" tree and once we found it we would cut it down ourselves, tie it to the top of the car, and drive it home.My mom had a chest full of Christmas ornaments from years passed and we would all decorate the tree.
But now days you go to the roadside "tree farm" and pick from the pre-cut, pre-lit, trees.
Then you have to read ALL the articles on "proper" tree decorations, go to the store for the Hungarian hand blown glass ornaments (which cost more than a small car),real silk ribbon,and a light up, 50 points of articulation,singing angle for the top.(what ever happened to paper chains and popcorn strings?)
Next comes the most obnoxious Christmas tradition..DECORATING THE LAWN!!
First:( and foremost) anyone, ANYONE who leaves their lawns decorated past Jan1 should be summarily stuffed into a cannon (along with all their lawn ornaments)and shot into space.
Second:Anyone who feels the need to have"singing" lawn ornaments (so that blind people can enjoy them as well I guess) I say this... DIE,DIE DIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!! Last year my next door neighbor had a set of the ugliest (and loudest) "carolers" he could find. He decided that they had to run all day and all night (as a result of this I have had the song "Jingle Bells" stuck in my head for the last 320 days) When I asked if the "carolers" could be turned off at night he told me to go fuck myself.(tis the season) So late one night the "carolers" were "assassinated" buy a mysterious man in a blood stained Santa suit.
Now once again we find poor old dad at the heart of operation "BRIGHT CHRISTMAS"
He doesn't want to do it but the wife unit can't be out done buy the next door neighbors so he once again must risk life and limb to climb onto the roof and apply Santa and his 7(Prancer met with an untimely demise last year during the blizzard) tiny reindeer.Sense he didn't bother to untangle and neatly store the lights from the year before he must now spend several hours battling with the lightstring monster.Finally (unable to conquer the beast) he drives to the "discount" store and burns his last credit card (the one he saves for emergencies... like heart surgery) buying a full set of lights (also made from Hungarian crystal) and then proceeds to listen to the wife unit complain that they don't match the lawn ornaments and he will have to go back and find a new set that will. Finally (after killing a kindly old woman blind in one eye from trying to get a bisque figurine at the mall) he locates the only set that matches the singing lawn ornaments he was forced to buy last year.
Now... Tis the night before Christmas... Dad is ready to hang himself with the left over light strings because he can't get the last training wheel onto Jr's "easy to assemble" Road Master 5000 bicycle. Mom is passed out drunk on the couch covered with wrapping paper and tape. The kids are nestled all snug in their beds (with visions of Aunt Gertrudes Gall Bladder dancing in their heads) Dad finally gets the last training wheel onto Jr's bike and drags himself to bed(and promptly gets a case of the night sweats)
Finally...CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!
As the first sliver of daylight breaks, the kids explode into mom and dads room and scream "CHRISTMAS!!!!!!" at the top of their lungs. Mom and Dad (after a deeply satisfieing 3 hours of sleep) drag themselves downstairs to see the look of joy in the kids faces as they rip (with the ferocity of little veloso-rapptors) into the pile of presents under the tree.
One by one they unwrap their pesents and start to fight over who got the biggest box of stuff.
As if by some form of x-ray vision they know which boxes contain the good stuff and which ones have the 10 pairs of sock(from Aunt Gertrude).Mom and Dad smile at each other and heave a sigh of relief. The dreaded holidays are over and all that remains is to clean up the carnage left by the rapptors.
So there you have it. My take on the holidays.Hope you all have a happy and safe holiday season.
VIVA LA DARKSIDE
OB6
So anyone who knows me has seen this posted as a blog on my site but as the holidays seem to be a yearly dose of dejavu I figured I would send it out again. Have a happy and safe holiday season.
Once more into the breech dear friends,
So here we are at the beginning of the holiday season and already the malls are choked with Christmas decorations.(I can remember when you didn't even SEE Christmas decorations until after thanksgiving). Now they don't even wait till the pumpkins from Halloween are cold before stuffing (like the turkeys we are going to eat) Christmas down our throats.
Now don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, (mostly for the food) and this year I took my mom's advise and got all my shopping done early.Now I can go to the mall and just watch the mayhem.
First comes the feast.
After slaving for days to prepare the PERFECT Thanksgiving meal, you find yourself trapped with relatives that you haven't seen sense last Thanksgiving.As they arrive (2 hours late) they shove THEIR "famous" pot luck food(usually some form of stuffing or the dreaded CANDIED YAMMS) into your hands and expect you to find room on the already over filled dinner table for their stuff.
You think you will make the dinner pass a little easier and serve some drinks. This is your first mistake.After a few drinks you all descend on the feast. In spite of your best efforts your Aunt Gertrude complains that the white meat is to dry and she should have cooked the turkey herself.About half way through the meal Aunt Gertrude is pretty drunk and is now describing (in GRAPHIC detail) her Gall Bladder operation and berating all of the family members(dead or alive) while expounding on the greatness of her son Todd.(later in life you find out that Todd was arrested for cheating on his wife with an underage MALE prostitute)
towards the end of the evening (and 3 more operation stories) you remember why you promised yourself last year that THIS year you we're just going to order a pizza,lock yourself in your room,wrap yourself in wet newspaper and hide till all the hoopla was over.
After all the relatives have departed (except for Uncle Bill,Gertudes' husband who is passed out drunk in the den) you start the clean up (of course none of your relatives hang out to help) you think the worst is behind you. But you are dead wrong because the next day....BLACK FRIDAY!!!!
Most of us think that this year will be different, and we will shop in a nice friendly fashion. But before you know it your gouging out some old ladies eye with your car keys just to get the last,limited edition,factory repainted,limited to 100 firing days, precious moments bisque figurine (which they will reissue in about 3 months, in 10 new colors and 80 cheaper to meet the OVERWHELMING DEMAND).
I love going to the mall and watching those poor fools trying to do their shopping at the last minute. Most of them end up giving a slightly more expensive version of the same shit they got last year, and my favorite person in the mall...DADS!
We've all seen this poor bastard,standing in the middle of the mall,holding 50 bags of shit (and his wifes purse),three kids all screaming at him that their hungry or need to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile his wife has regressed to a sub-human,frothing at the mouth, mad woman,buying every trendy(and completely overpriced) piece of holiday shit she can find and in the process, running his credit cards up to the point of night sweats.
Next comes the tree.
Now we all have been to the "tree farm"(usually a local nursery charging more for a dead tree then most of us pay for the entire afore mentioned thanksgiving feast ) and we all think we have a pretty good idea what a good Christmas tree looks like. But we are WRONG. For some reason we have let "professional" designers dictate what is "in" this year. And unfortunately it's DAD (with his credit cards already smoking from the day before) who is left to picking the tree.Now when I was a kid my dad would take my brother and I to an actual tree farm.We would walk for hours to find the "perfect" tree and once we found it we would cut it down ourselves, tie it to the top of the car, and drive it home.My mom had a chest full of Christmas ornaments from years passed and we would all decorate the tree.
But now days you go to the roadside "tree farm" and pick from the pre-cut, pre-lit, trees.
Then you have to read ALL the articles on "proper" tree decorations, go to the store for the Hungarian hand blown glass ornaments (which cost more than a small car),real silk ribbon,and a light up, 50 points of articulation,singing angle for the top.(what ever happened to paper chains and popcorn strings?)
Next comes the most obnoxious Christmas tradition..DECORATING THE LAWN!!
First:( and foremost) anyone, ANYONE who leaves their lawns decorated past Jan1 should be summarily stuffed into a cannon (along with all their lawn ornaments)and shot into space.
Second:Anyone who feels the need to have"singing" lawn ornaments (so that blind people can enjoy them as well I guess) I say this... DIE,DIE DIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!! Last year my next door neighbor had a set of the ugliest (and loudest) "carolers" he could find. He decided that they had to run all day and all night (as a result of this I have had the song "Jingle Bells" stuck in my head for the last 320 days) When I asked if the "carolers" could be turned off at night he told me to go fuck myself.(tis the season) So late one night the "carolers" were "assassinated" buy a mysterious man in a blood stained Santa suit.
Now once again we find poor old dad at the heart of operation "BRIGHT CHRISTMAS"
He doesn't want to do it but the wife unit can't be out done buy the next door neighbors so he once again must risk life and limb to climb onto the roof and apply Santa and his 7(Prancer met with an untimely demise last year during the blizzard) tiny reindeer.Sense he didn't bother to untangle and neatly store the lights from the year before he must now spend several hours battling with the lightstring monster.Finally (unable to conquer the beast) he drives to the "discount" store and burns his last credit card (the one he saves for emergencies... like heart surgery) buying a full set of lights (also made from Hungarian crystal) and then proceeds to listen to the wife unit complain that they don't match the lawn ornaments and he will have to go back and find a new set that will. Finally (after killing a kindly old woman blind in one eye from trying to get a bisque figurine at the mall) he locates the only set that matches the singing lawn ornaments he was forced to buy last year.
Now... Tis the night before Christmas... Dad is ready to hang himself with the left over light strings because he can't get the last training wheel onto Jr's "easy to assemble" Road Master 5000 bicycle. Mom is passed out drunk on the couch covered with wrapping paper and tape. The kids are nestled all snug in their beds (with visions of Aunt Gertrudes Gall Bladder dancing in their heads) Dad finally gets the last training wheel onto Jr's bike and drags himself to bed(and promptly gets a case of the night sweats)
Finally...CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!
As the first sliver of daylight breaks, the kids explode into mom and dads room and scream "CHRISTMAS!!!!!!" at the top of their lungs. Mom and Dad (after a deeply satisfieing 3 hours of sleep) drag themselves downstairs to see the look of joy in the kids faces as they rip (with the ferocity of little veloso-rapptors) into the pile of presents under the tree.
One by one they unwrap their pesents and start to fight over who got the biggest box of stuff.
As if by some form of x-ray vision they know which boxes contain the good stuff and which ones have the 10 pairs of sock(from Aunt Gertrude).Mom and Dad smile at each other and heave a sigh of relief. The dreaded holidays are over and all that remains is to clean up the carnage left by the rapptors.
So there you have it. My take on the holidays.Hope you all have a happy and safe holiday season.
VIVA LA DARKSIDE
OB6
Labels: other news, Rants and Raves
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]